Sorry, no picture with this post. I know it's a rarity that I do not upload a picture with every post, but I could not think of anything appropriate for the occasion.
My 24th birthday has come and gone, and 3 parties later. . . I am actually partied out. It was nice to have a relaxing weekend and be able to kick back and have fun.
I have realized over the years that I can express myself more in writing than I can in words. Obviously, for those who know me, I am not a girl of few words, but I guess I get that from my Dad. I often find myself over explaining things because I can not seem to get how I feel out clearly. Now, when it comes to teaching, it is not so hard because I am dealing with elementary concepts and principals. This blog has become a way to "verbally" express what is going on in my life.
It is hard for me most of the time to say verbally to most people how God works in my life. So as I type it out or write it down, it often becomes more clear to me. God has been working big time in my life. It scares me in a way, because I am not in control. It also excites me to know that I should not be in control. If God even values the sparrow's life, how much more does He value mine! Here are some verses that God has been using to bless me this past week:
Luke 12:6-7
6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. 7 Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
SURPRISE. . .sort of
Yesterday, my students through me a surprise birthday party. Of course they are not very good at hiding what they are planning, but I enjoyed it anyway.
So today I turn 24. It does make me feel old when I say that, but I actually do not feel any older than the day I graduated high school. But reflecting on the past year of my life I thank the Lord for all that He has done. It has not exactly been the easiest of years, but I can see God's hand working.
So today I turn 24. It does make me feel old when I say that, but I actually do not feel any older than the day I graduated high school. But reflecting on the past year of my life I thank the Lord for all that He has done. It has not exactly been the easiest of years, but I can see God's hand working.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
another day to be thankful for
Here is a pic of my fifth graders at our Valentine's party. They were all hyped up on all kinds of sugar and enjoying each other's company. For the teacher, parties are a bit more high strung. . . a little more stress involved due to the seeming lack of control that may come. Thank the Lord my little students are well behaved and I can trust them to be under control.
Today is the Neil Beer's funeral here at Calvary. For those of you who know Josh and Jess Beers, it is their dad. He died suddenly in a car accident this past Saturday. There has seem to be a lot of sudden deaths. 3 within that one week. But it is amazing to see God work through it all. Obviously my human mind will not understand why God took such Godly and loving people away from those they minister to, but there is that perfect peace that comes when you trust Him.
I wanted to take the time to list things that I am thankful for. I know that when I become discontent I am focusing on what I desire, rather than on what I have in the Lord!
I am thankful for
1. First and foremost my relationship with the Lord. I seriously can not fathom what I would do without Him. I would have no hope, and no reason to live that is actually worth living for.
2. The unexpected blessings that come every day coming from unexpected people.
3. For my family who loves me no matter what. They love the Lord and serve Him.
4. For the sunshine today. Although it might be a bit chilly out, at least I can take the kids out for recess.
5. For the Lord working in my student's lives and allowing me to be used of Him.
I could go on and on, but soon my students will be back from band and I must be ready for their arrival:o)
Today is the Neil Beer's funeral here at Calvary. For those of you who know Josh and Jess Beers, it is their dad. He died suddenly in a car accident this past Saturday. There has seem to be a lot of sudden deaths. 3 within that one week. But it is amazing to see God work through it all. Obviously my human mind will not understand why God took such Godly and loving people away from those they minister to, but there is that perfect peace that comes when you trust Him.
I wanted to take the time to list things that I am thankful for. I know that when I become discontent I am focusing on what I desire, rather than on what I have in the Lord!
I am thankful for
1. First and foremost my relationship with the Lord. I seriously can not fathom what I would do without Him. I would have no hope, and no reason to live that is actually worth living for.
2. The unexpected blessings that come every day coming from unexpected people.
3. For my family who loves me no matter what. They love the Lord and serve Him.
4. For the sunshine today. Although it might be a bit chilly out, at least I can take the kids out for recess.
5. For the Lord working in my student's lives and allowing me to be used of Him.
I could go on and on, but soon my students will be back from band and I must be ready for their arrival:o)
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
fairweather or loyal
The picture is a picture of Melanie and Melissa Thacker and myself. I went to visit Melissa over Christmas break and now I am actually getting around to posting a picture on this blog. For my friend Christina who reads both blogs, this is not a repeat of anything on our friends blog.
Fairweather or loyal?. . . As I sit here and reflect on friend relationships I have become a part of over the past year, I am a bit perplexed. I have never considered myself a fairweather friend, and others have even observed the loyalty that I have for my friends.
But now I reach a turning point. It seems that I am stuck between two groups of friends. The girls in our singles group and the guys. Each group does not seem to blend well with the other. There are people all around, but none to be considered "close" friends. My closest friends are married and mostly living in different parts of the country. So it leaves me feeling a bit alone. I sit in the midst of two groups, not feeling a part of either group.
On the one hand I know that if I put the effort into a particular friendship that I have had for years, I could probably feel apart of that group. But what is holding me back is the fakeness that has shown itself over the past couple weeks. So now I have no desire to put effort into a friendship that is a bit one sided. So does that make me a fair weather friend? Do I stick by it, knowing that I will probably never know the true heart of my friend? I have been praying hard that the Lord would give me wisdom and would break her heart down to the point where she can not cover who she truly is.
I also have been praying that the Lord would send me a friend who can sharpen me truly in the Lord that does not live across the country. HE ANSWERS PRAYER! On Sunday morning I was talking to a casual friend of mine, Kristen, and she was going through the same struggle of feeling alone in the midst of all these people. Yes, she is married, but I appreciate married women so much more because they are not so caught up in themselves as single women are (and can tend to be my downfall at times).
Psalm 121
1I look up to the mountains--does my help come from there?
2My help comes from the LORD,who made the heavens and the earth!
3He will not let you stumble and fall;the one who watches over you will not sleep.
4Indeed, he who watches over Israelnever tires and never sleeps.
5The LORD himself watches over you!The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.
6The sun will not hurt you by day,nor the moon at night.
7The LORD keeps you from all eviland preserves your life.
8The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go,both now and forever.
Fairweather or loyal?. . . As I sit here and reflect on friend relationships I have become a part of over the past year, I am a bit perplexed. I have never considered myself a fairweather friend, and others have even observed the loyalty that I have for my friends.
But now I reach a turning point. It seems that I am stuck between two groups of friends. The girls in our singles group and the guys. Each group does not seem to blend well with the other. There are people all around, but none to be considered "close" friends. My closest friends are married and mostly living in different parts of the country. So it leaves me feeling a bit alone. I sit in the midst of two groups, not feeling a part of either group.
On the one hand I know that if I put the effort into a particular friendship that I have had for years, I could probably feel apart of that group. But what is holding me back is the fakeness that has shown itself over the past couple weeks. So now I have no desire to put effort into a friendship that is a bit one sided. So does that make me a fair weather friend? Do I stick by it, knowing that I will probably never know the true heart of my friend? I have been praying hard that the Lord would give me wisdom and would break her heart down to the point where she can not cover who she truly is.
I also have been praying that the Lord would send me a friend who can sharpen me truly in the Lord that does not live across the country. HE ANSWERS PRAYER! On Sunday morning I was talking to a casual friend of mine, Kristen, and she was going through the same struggle of feeling alone in the midst of all these people. Yes, she is married, but I appreciate married women so much more because they are not so caught up in themselves as single women are (and can tend to be my downfall at times).
Psalm 121
1I look up to the mountains--does my help come from there?
2My help comes from the LORD,who made the heavens and the earth!
3He will not let you stumble and fall;the one who watches over you will not sleep.
4Indeed, he who watches over Israelnever tires and never sleeps.
5The LORD himself watches over you!The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.
6The sun will not hurt you by day,nor the moon at night.
7The LORD keeps you from all eviland preserves your life.
8The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go,both now and forever.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
the LOVE sac. . .
I have not posted in a week or so, and so I thought I would hop on and actually post something for all my avid readers:o). . . few though they may be. . . As statedin the title of this blog I posted a picture of my love sac. It is the most amazing thing! I bought it at a store called "LoveSacs" in King of Prussia. It is like a giant beanbag chair. . . but you can have all different covers made of denim, curdoroy, cotton etc. . . . This chair has a life time guarantee and is big enough for me to take a nap on and actually have slept through the night on comfortably. You can fluff it to make it huge and then eventually it molds to your body until you fluff it again.
Life has been hectic. Crazy. Busy. I was sick for the past few days and actually took a sick day yesterday. . .which I spent on my love sac:o)
Today, though, was the funeral for Arlene Homontowski. She one of the most dear and giving ladies from my extension church. She died suddenly in a car accident on Sunday night on the way home from church. I know that she is now in heaven worshipping the Lord face to face! Something that we can only imagine. Pray for the family as they are taking it pretty rough.
Life has been hectic. Crazy. Busy. I was sick for the past few days and actually took a sick day yesterday. . .which I spent on my love sac:o)
Today, though, was the funeral for Arlene Homontowski. She one of the most dear and giving ladies from my extension church. She died suddenly in a car accident on Sunday night on the way home from church. I know that she is now in heaven worshipping the Lord face to face! Something that we can only imagine. Pray for the family as they are taking it pretty rough.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Who needs Love?
This is a pic of a card my from Christina sent me. . . I decided to post it. One of my other friends, who will remained unnamed put Rebeka's picture on it. I thought it was so hilarious that I couldn't resist posting it.
Nothing else new or exciting around here. Yesterday was a snow day and I love the unexpected day off of school.
Nothing enlightening to say. I know I rarely do have anything enlightening to say, but when I do I'll be sure to post it.
I am excited about this weekend, I do not have anything planned to do. No camps, no activities, no games to coach for. Aaah. . . sweet relaxation to come!
Nothing else new or exciting around here. Yesterday was a snow day and I love the unexpected day off of school.
Nothing enlightening to say. I know I rarely do have anything enlightening to say, but when I do I'll be sure to post it.
I am excited about this weekend, I do not have anything planned to do. No camps, no activities, no games to coach for. Aaah. . . sweet relaxation to come!
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Funny Story
So a couple weekends ago, My friend, Jen Totaro and I went to Virginia Beach to visit Erin Branks (as stated in a previous posting). Sunday night after church, we headed to Starbucks and on the way there Erin rolled down the window (for a reason not to be told). The window gets stuck down and it is 30 degrees outside. So we freeze the rest of the way to Starbucks. So we get our delectable drinks and sit on those big purple chairs they have at every Starbucks. Before long, Erin gets a little too excited about something and spills her coffee down the front of her. She then had to precede to drive home with sticky coffee all down her front and back with the window stuck down!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
parting is such sweet sorrow. . .
This is a picture of the old parsonage. We sold it to RiteAid, and about a month ago they tore it down. I can not say that I am sad over this occasion, because the current parsonage is in better condition:o) I must admit that it is a little strange to see your house pulled apart by a crane. I stood outside thinking. . . there goes the fence. . . oh and there goes our counters. . . etc. . .
Monday, February 27, 2006
Revelations of the Heart
This past week and weekend have been rough to say the least. God has truly been braking down walls in my heart that I have been holding onto for so long. I am so thankful that God never gives up, and He holds every tear I cry in His hand. My heart is still heavy as stated in the last post, but as I move on from the point of brokenness I see God's hand at work in my life.
I think for the first time in a long time I have been truly honest about the way I feel. I do not have it all together and God has to remove the hatred that is in my heart. It is going to be a long process to actually feel like I can pray for my ex again out of sincerity. As I cried and prayed to the Lord on Friday night, it brought me to a place where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. As painful as it was and remains to be, I can already see my Savior in a more real way than ever before.
I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that for this moment I am trusting God fully. Now, of course that is a hour-by-hour struggle to fully give over my feelings of hatred that I want to hold onto. I want to hold onto them because I do not see that he (my ex) is genuinely remorseful for his actions. It is not my job to change his life, only God can do that. As I struggle with that among other things, sometimes I feel a disconnect between what my head says to do and what my heart feels. I know that in those "disconnected" times I must do what my head says, not live by my emotions. My emotions will catch up. Holding on to any of those bitter and hate feelings destroys me more than it destroys him.
There is so much more to say, but I will save that for a later time. Please continue to pray!
I think for the first time in a long time I have been truly honest about the way I feel. I do not have it all together and God has to remove the hatred that is in my heart. It is going to be a long process to actually feel like I can pray for my ex again out of sincerity. As I cried and prayed to the Lord on Friday night, it brought me to a place where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. As painful as it was and remains to be, I can already see my Savior in a more real way than ever before.
I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that for this moment I am trusting God fully. Now, of course that is a hour-by-hour struggle to fully give over my feelings of hatred that I want to hold onto. I want to hold onto them because I do not see that he (my ex) is genuinely remorseful for his actions. It is not my job to change his life, only God can do that. As I struggle with that among other things, sometimes I feel a disconnect between what my head says to do and what my heart feels. I know that in those "disconnected" times I must do what my head says, not live by my emotions. My emotions will catch up. Holding on to any of those bitter and hate feelings destroys me more than it destroys him.
There is so much more to say, but I will save that for a later time. Please continue to pray!
Friday, February 24, 2006
Heavy Heart
My heart is heavy with so many things. I want to be able to be genuinely happy and be able to let things role off my back. I wish I could push these things away, but I can not. My heart is overloaded and struggling with figuring right from wrong in certain gray areas in life.
My ex from the summer was back for the week. I have no desire to be in his presence or develop any kind of friendship with him even on the most casual level. I did not want to talk to him at all, but I forced myself to last night. Now, I am back where I was this summer before he left to go back to school. I know God does not command me to be friends with everyone, I do not even have to like everyone. But God does command me to love in Christ's love.
As a result of this relationship I have no trust for him and extremely tentative about any future relationships. I went to a workshop this week on forgiveness. I know that my heart has been hurt by him. Even though I broke it off between the two of us, the events that occurred during our relationship (short though it may have been) have injured my heart to where it can not function how it should.
I know it takes two to tango, but I know that I was the one who had to stop it. He was supposed to be the leader. I know I have responsibility in this situation as well. The hard part is the fact that even if I get through this struggle right now in my life, I know that when I enter another dating relationship I am going to have more issues to work through, hard issues that do not go away over night. So since I know that it has effected me this much, do I talk to him about it? It makes me sick to even think of talking to him. All I want to say is, how can you go from never kissing anyone at all to where it was that night? (no we did not have sex, but it was farther than I was comfortable with). He showed no respect of me, and he had to have thought about it a lot in order to get to where he was. And furthermore, it freaks me out to think that he is a youth pastor in Florida now. He wants to go into ministry and is moving up here to PA to go to our seminary next year!
I know that God is doing some serious work in my life, but all I want to do is break down and not deal with it. The pain is so great, but I also know that God does not give me anything that He will not give me the strength to get through. I just want to go to heaven where I can finally worship the Lord without my flesh getting in the way. Where my Savior can wipe the tears from my eyes and be totally consumed with how Great my God is! I know that I'll never understand how God works, but in the midst of this I want to understand.
I know that this post jumps around, and is probably confusing to those who really do not know about this part of my life. So back to the forgiveness workshop. Answer these questions: Do you believe that God loves you? The obvious answer is yes. But do you feel that God likes you? That is the kicker. Finish this statement: "I know that God loves me, but. . ." That shows you that your heart has been hurt.
I've come to the conclusion that I will need to talk to my ex eventually and tell him how the events of the summer have affected me. I am just not ready yet. Keep praying.
My ex from the summer was back for the week. I have no desire to be in his presence or develop any kind of friendship with him even on the most casual level. I did not want to talk to him at all, but I forced myself to last night. Now, I am back where I was this summer before he left to go back to school. I know God does not command me to be friends with everyone, I do not even have to like everyone. But God does command me to love in Christ's love.
As a result of this relationship I have no trust for him and extremely tentative about any future relationships. I went to a workshop this week on forgiveness. I know that my heart has been hurt by him. Even though I broke it off between the two of us, the events that occurred during our relationship (short though it may have been) have injured my heart to where it can not function how it should.
I know it takes two to tango, but I know that I was the one who had to stop it. He was supposed to be the leader. I know I have responsibility in this situation as well. The hard part is the fact that even if I get through this struggle right now in my life, I know that when I enter another dating relationship I am going to have more issues to work through, hard issues that do not go away over night. So since I know that it has effected me this much, do I talk to him about it? It makes me sick to even think of talking to him. All I want to say is, how can you go from never kissing anyone at all to where it was that night? (no we did not have sex, but it was farther than I was comfortable with). He showed no respect of me, and he had to have thought about it a lot in order to get to where he was. And furthermore, it freaks me out to think that he is a youth pastor in Florida now. He wants to go into ministry and is moving up here to PA to go to our seminary next year!
I know that God is doing some serious work in my life, but all I want to do is break down and not deal with it. The pain is so great, but I also know that God does not give me anything that He will not give me the strength to get through. I just want to go to heaven where I can finally worship the Lord without my flesh getting in the way. Where my Savior can wipe the tears from my eyes and be totally consumed with how Great my God is! I know that I'll never understand how God works, but in the midst of this I want to understand.
I know that this post jumps around, and is probably confusing to those who really do not know about this part of my life. So back to the forgiveness workshop. Answer these questions: Do you believe that God loves you? The obvious answer is yes. But do you feel that God likes you? That is the kicker. Finish this statement: "I know that God loves me, but. . ." That shows you that your heart has been hurt.
I've come to the conclusion that I will need to talk to my ex eventually and tell him how the events of the summer have affected me. I am just not ready yet. Keep praying.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Snow Day!
The Lord knows what I need even when I do not ask for it. He provided me with an extra long weekend due to the blessings of a snow day today:o) It was such a blessing to wake up without an alarm clock and to wake up to daylight! Yes, tomorrow I must go back to the usual routine, but for today I will forget about the usual things I worry about.
Another blessing is the fact that Basketball season is done and I no longer will have to stay after school for practices and games. I can have a somewhat normal schedule and hopefully no longer feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the girls and I are having a dinner at my house! I refuse to wallow in the fact that I do not have that special someone to share this holiday with. God gave me fabulous friends, so why not celebrate with them?!
Another blessing is the fact that Basketball season is done and I no longer will have to stay after school for practices and games. I can have a somewhat normal schedule and hopefully no longer feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the girls and I are having a dinner at my house! I refuse to wallow in the fact that I do not have that special someone to share this holiday with. God gave me fabulous friends, so why not celebrate with them?!
Friday, February 10, 2006
AAAHH!
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!! Today is the first day I felt like throwing one particular student up against the wall. The Lord had to give me the patience! She has failed 5 out of the 6 past spelling tests. As a result, she has had to do extra work. Now she does not get her extra work in, and makes up manipulative excuses and cries crocodile tears to get out of the trouble she is in. I have talked to her mom 3 times about it, and nothing changes. I have talked to the girl about it on numerous occasions, once again to no avail. She rarely studies and acts rejected when she fails. On top of the pure laziness, she has the nerve to cock an attitude and role her eyes, which she gets in trouble for as well. Needless to say if her work is not done on Monday morning by 8:15 am she will be marched right into the Principal's office!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
the same old
Nothing exciting to report on, nor is their anything deep on my mind. It is just a typical day full of typical events with my typical students and my typical friends. Typical, typical, typical. . . routine, routine, routine. . . but in two days that will change. Basketball season will be done and I will have a little bit more freedom.
I will not have to truck myself to and from practices and games and spend 16 hour days doing "calvary things". I love the opportunity God has given me with the cheerleaders, but I feel Calvary overload and a bit burnt out. It is time to be replenished and refilled so that I can give out what God wants me to give.
I will not have to truck myself to and from practices and games and spend 16 hour days doing "calvary things". I love the opportunity God has given me with the cheerleaders, but I feel Calvary overload and a bit burnt out. It is time to be replenished and refilled so that I can give out what God wants me to give.
Monday, February 06, 2006
I Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (ESV). This is the verse for the week for my 5th graders to memorize. It is amazing to me how hypocritical I feel when I am teaching them this verse and yet struggle with what it says.
It is not that I do not believe that God can provide a way to escape temptation. It is the fact that I do not think that I can endure it. I personally do not want to endure anything, but I know that if I did not I would not grow closer to my Savior. It is a bitter-sweet thing. In James it says to count it a joy when trials and temptations come our way. The longer I live the more I realize that it is true. Now, I am not old and wise, but I do know how strong my relationship with the Lord is when I am in temptation and trials. It is definitely a daily struggle, if not an hourly struggle. I am always thankful after the struggle of going through the temptation that I went through it. It brings me to a point where I can only endure it because of the strength God gives me.
It is not that I do not believe that God can provide a way to escape temptation. It is the fact that I do not think that I can endure it. I personally do not want to endure anything, but I know that if I did not I would not grow closer to my Savior. It is a bitter-sweet thing. In James it says to count it a joy when trials and temptations come our way. The longer I live the more I realize that it is true. Now, I am not old and wise, but I do know how strong my relationship with the Lord is when I am in temptation and trials. It is definitely a daily struggle, if not an hourly struggle. I am always thankful after the struggle of going through the temptation that I went through it. It brings me to a point where I can only endure it because of the strength God gives me.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Is the Cross You Wear to Heavy to Bear?
Is the Cross You Wear Too Heavy to Bear?
Complaining I told myself
this cross was too heavy to wear,
And I wondered discontentedly
why God gave it to me to bear.
I looked with envy at others
whose crosses seemed lighter than mine
And wished that I could change my cross
for one of a lighter design.
Then in a dream I beheld the cross
I impulsively wanted to wear--
It was fashioned of pearls and diamonds
and gems that are precious and rare,
And when I hung it around my neck,
the weight of the jewels and the gold
Was much too heavy and cumbersome
for my small, slender neck to hold.
So I tossed it aside, and before my eyes
was a cross of rose-red flowers,
And I said with delight as I put it on,
"This cross I can wear for hours."
For it was so dainty and fragile,
so lovely and light and thin,
But I had forgotten about the thorns
that started to pierce my skin.
Then in a dream I saw my cross--
rugged and old and plain--
The clumsy old cross I had looked upon
with dicontented disdain,
And at last I knew that God had made
this special cross for me,
For God in His great wisdom
knew what I before could not see--
That often the loveliest crosses
are the heaviest crosses to bear,
For only God is wise enough
to choose the cross each can wear.
So never complain about your cross,
for your cross has been blessed--
God made it just for you to wear
and remember, God knows best.
by Helen Steiner Rice
Book of Blessings
Complaining I told myself
this cross was too heavy to wear,
And I wondered discontentedly
why God gave it to me to bear.
I looked with envy at others
whose crosses seemed lighter than mine
And wished that I could change my cross
for one of a lighter design.
Then in a dream I beheld the cross
I impulsively wanted to wear--
It was fashioned of pearls and diamonds
and gems that are precious and rare,
And when I hung it around my neck,
the weight of the jewels and the gold
Was much too heavy and cumbersome
for my small, slender neck to hold.
So I tossed it aside, and before my eyes
was a cross of rose-red flowers,
And I said with delight as I put it on,
"This cross I can wear for hours."
For it was so dainty and fragile,
so lovely and light and thin,
But I had forgotten about the thorns
that started to pierce my skin.
Then in a dream I saw my cross--
rugged and old and plain--
The clumsy old cross I had looked upon
with dicontented disdain,
And at last I knew that God had made
this special cross for me,
For God in His great wisdom
knew what I before could not see--
That often the loveliest crosses
are the heaviest crosses to bear,
For only God is wise enough
to choose the cross each can wear.
So never complain about your cross,
for your cross has been blessed--
God made it just for you to wear
and remember, God knows best.
by Helen Steiner Rice
Book of Blessings
Monday, January 30, 2006
A New Day!
This weekend proved to be an unexpected emotional overload. As I posted on friday, I needed a good cry which I got on the way to the basketball game that day, as well as on Saturday talking to my sister on the phone and on Sunday night as I prayed myself to sleep. After each cry there was a temporary relief of the emotional tension inside. I know that God is teaching me so many things, and changing my heart to be more like His!
When I was talking to my sister, I did not think I was going to cry, but the next thing I knew I was sniffling and tearing. The tears came down hard, and it was not because I was upset or mad. I am just overwhelmed. My sister and I are struggling with the same thing, just manifested in two different ways. We are both afraid of getting excited about what appears to be coming in our lives. We are afraid of the disappointed that may come if we let our emotions get excited. The disappointment of having our hopes dashed, and our desires put on hold for even longer. Even now as I think about it, I feel the emotional tension.
I know that God has a perfect plan no matter how long He puts my desires on hold. It is hard for my finite mind and emotions to understand that God works with a lifetime, not just with one situation and desire. One of my teachers in college stated that sometimes God's greatest mercies are His refusals. Although I may feel overwhelmed with life, today is a new day that God can use despite my insufficiencies. It is a daily battle to bear the cross God has given me to bear. The cross God gave me to bear is the one that will draw me closest to Him!
When I was talking to my sister, I did not think I was going to cry, but the next thing I knew I was sniffling and tearing. The tears came down hard, and it was not because I was upset or mad. I am just overwhelmed. My sister and I are struggling with the same thing, just manifested in two different ways. We are both afraid of getting excited about what appears to be coming in our lives. We are afraid of the disappointed that may come if we let our emotions get excited. The disappointment of having our hopes dashed, and our desires put on hold for even longer. Even now as I think about it, I feel the emotional tension.
I know that God has a perfect plan no matter how long He puts my desires on hold. It is hard for my finite mind and emotions to understand that God works with a lifetime, not just with one situation and desire. One of my teachers in college stated that sometimes God's greatest mercies are His refusals. Although I may feel overwhelmed with life, today is a new day that God can use despite my insufficiencies. It is a daily battle to bear the cross God has given me to bear. The cross God gave me to bear is the one that will draw me closest to Him!
Friday, January 27, 2006
about to break. . .
Friday, today is friday. I am seriously about to break down. It seems that every friday for the past few weeks I have felt this way. I need a good cry, to let the tension out that I feel inside. I can not pin point one reason why I feel this way, but I think it is just the building up of a number of things over a week.
It is not feeling like playing this dating game. I do not like the ups and downs of the emotional rollar coaster that it takes you on. I am tired of playing the game. The game of trying not to read into thing said or done. The game of "limbo-land" where you do not know where you stand.
I am tired of never being home and extending myself in so many directions. I want to be able to put more into my teaching. I want to be able to have a social life without feeling guilty for it taking time away from what I should be doing.
I am tired of being picked on endlessly by the boys. I do not like the way I act when I am around so much sarcasm. It makes me feel defensive and unwanted. I truly do not know if they really feel annoyed by my presence or not.
I am tired of being on edge. I know that my emotions are blown out of proportion when I am not getting enough sleep. I make a big deal out of things that are not really that big as I feel they are.
I am tired of often pretending to be excited for my friends as they plan their weddings, when really I desire is to plan my own. I know God has someone out there for me, but it is so hard to wait.
I know that this post is rather negative in nature. I wish I could always be that "happy-go-lucky" person people perceive me to be. I know that even when I do not "feel" God's presence He is there. I know that God holds every tear I cry in His hand. I know that no matter how pathetic or stupid my seeming problems are, God helps me through them. I just needed to let it all out and return to a focus on God. I do not know what I would do without my relationship with the Lord. Even if all these things that I am tired of are placed in my life to draw me closer to Him, that is all that I need. I do not need to know the reason why God places things in my life; I just need to trust.
It is not feeling like playing this dating game. I do not like the ups and downs of the emotional rollar coaster that it takes you on. I am tired of playing the game. The game of trying not to read into thing said or done. The game of "limbo-land" where you do not know where you stand.
I am tired of never being home and extending myself in so many directions. I want to be able to put more into my teaching. I want to be able to have a social life without feeling guilty for it taking time away from what I should be doing.
I am tired of being picked on endlessly by the boys. I do not like the way I act when I am around so much sarcasm. It makes me feel defensive and unwanted. I truly do not know if they really feel annoyed by my presence or not.
I am tired of being on edge. I know that my emotions are blown out of proportion when I am not getting enough sleep. I make a big deal out of things that are not really that big as I feel they are.
I am tired of often pretending to be excited for my friends as they plan their weddings, when really I desire is to plan my own. I know God has someone out there for me, but it is so hard to wait.
I know that this post is rather negative in nature. I wish I could always be that "happy-go-lucky" person people perceive me to be. I know that even when I do not "feel" God's presence He is there. I know that God holds every tear I cry in His hand. I know that no matter how pathetic or stupid my seeming problems are, God helps me through them. I just needed to let it all out and return to a focus on God. I do not know what I would do without my relationship with the Lord. Even if all these things that I am tired of are placed in my life to draw me closer to Him, that is all that I need. I do not need to know the reason why God places things in my life; I just need to trust.
Monday, January 23, 2006
life and teaching. . .
The picture is of a couple of my 5th grade students at recess. I can not express how much I love teaching. Yes, there are days that I just don't think I can make it (like today), but God always blesses no matter how insufficient I am! The students in my class are awesome, and I am so thankful for the teachable spirits.
Last night, I was out with my girlfriends at Kambi's birthday party. I was a little tentative about going, because I usually hang out with the boys and thought I would feel out of the loop. So as much as I have fun hanging out with the boys, I love my girlfriends! I don't know what I would do without them. I thank God for all of them, and I pray that God blesses them and their future. I was out til 1 am talking and sharing what we have been learning in our relationship with the Lord. It was so encouraging and rebuking. Those times of talking and sharing are the best times to learn!
I am at a point right now, where I am unsure if I should even keep putting effort into friendships with the boys. Don't get me wrong, because I do love them in Christ and often enjoy the goofing off and carefree fun I have with them. The only thing is that it is often not an uplifting experience. It's complete sarcasm, most times. I am at the point where I do not desire to be in a friendship based on sarcasm. Part of that is my fault, because I know that I just feed off of them. I don't like how I act around them, and I realized that I don't act that way around anyone else. Yes, I love sarcasm, but I know that my other friends and my family love me no matter what. They don't think less of me or use me just as a source of sarcasm. There is a basis to our relationships far deeper than a sarcastic humor. I am just not sure it is that way with some of these guys. Yes, there are a couple that I know I have a good friendship with, but the greater majority, I am not sure that there is anything past the sarcasm. So should I give up on putting effort into the relationship when I feel like some of these guys don't put that much effort into it? Is it wrong to give up a friendship? That is the hardest thing for me to do. I am an extremely loyal person by nature, so when I have invested a lot of time with people I grow attached.
Last night, I was out with my girlfriends at Kambi's birthday party. I was a little tentative about going, because I usually hang out with the boys and thought I would feel out of the loop. So as much as I have fun hanging out with the boys, I love my girlfriends! I don't know what I would do without them. I thank God for all of them, and I pray that God blesses them and their future. I was out til 1 am talking and sharing what we have been learning in our relationship with the Lord. It was so encouraging and rebuking. Those times of talking and sharing are the best times to learn!
I am at a point right now, where I am unsure if I should even keep putting effort into friendships with the boys. Don't get me wrong, because I do love them in Christ and often enjoy the goofing off and carefree fun I have with them. The only thing is that it is often not an uplifting experience. It's complete sarcasm, most times. I am at the point where I do not desire to be in a friendship based on sarcasm. Part of that is my fault, because I know that I just feed off of them. I don't like how I act around them, and I realized that I don't act that way around anyone else. Yes, I love sarcasm, but I know that my other friends and my family love me no matter what. They don't think less of me or use me just as a source of sarcasm. There is a basis to our relationships far deeper than a sarcastic humor. I am just not sure it is that way with some of these guys. Yes, there are a couple that I know I have a good friendship with, but the greater majority, I am not sure that there is anything past the sarcasm. So should I give up on putting effort into the relationship when I feel like some of these guys don't put that much effort into it? Is it wrong to give up a friendship? That is the hardest thing for me to do. I am an extremely loyal person by nature, so when I have invested a lot of time with people I grow attached.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Luke's Birthday
Yesterday was my nephew Luke's Birthday. He turned four and decided to give up his bo-bo (his blanket that he sucks on when he goes to sleep). I went over to his house yesterday to download songs onto my iPod nano, and I delivered his birthday gift. He is one of the most excitable children ever! You could give him the most simple thing, and yet he would show you so much enthusiasm. I gave him a batman cape and batman figure. According to Luke, superman was last year. This year it is BATMAN!
On to another topic. . . I spent the weekend at our church camp counseling for Jr. High winter weekend. It was worth it in the end, but boy am I tired! I'm definitely not built for the voilent games that I once enjoyed just 5 short years ago. I have bruises and soreness to show for the weekend as well. The girls in my cabin were awesome. I got to share my heart with them, and share what God has changed me with recently. For some of them it was like preaching to the choir. For others I pray God used my feeble words to penetrate their hearts and attitudes. It's hard to watch some of the girls struggle with the same issues I struggled with. I wish that I could remove the pain and the struggle, but without it they wouldn't grow closer in their relationship with the Lord.
On to another topic. . . I spent the weekend at our church camp counseling for Jr. High winter weekend. It was worth it in the end, but boy am I tired! I'm definitely not built for the voilent games that I once enjoyed just 5 short years ago. I have bruises and soreness to show for the weekend as well. The girls in my cabin were awesome. I got to share my heart with them, and share what God has changed me with recently. For some of them it was like preaching to the choir. For others I pray God used my feeble words to penetrate their hearts and attitudes. It's hard to watch some of the girls struggle with the same issues I struggled with. I wish that I could remove the pain and the struggle, but without it they wouldn't grow closer in their relationship with the Lord.
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