Is the Cross You Wear to Heavy to Bear?

Is the Cross You Wear Too Heavy to Bear?

Complaining I told myself
this cross was too heavy to wear,
And I wondered discontentedly
why God gave it to me to bear.
I looked with envy at others
whose crosses seemed lighter than mine
And wished that I could change my cross
for one of a lighter design.

Then in a dream I beheld the cross
I impulsively wanted to wear--
It was fashioned of pearls and diamonds
and gems that are precious and rare,
And when I hung it around my neck,
the weight of the jewels and the gold
Was much too heavy and cumbersome
for my small, slender neck to hold.

So I tossed it aside, and before my eyes
was a cross of rose-red flowers,
And I said with delight as I put it on,
"This cross I can wear for hours."
For it was so dainty and fragile,
so lovely and light and thin,
But I had forgotten about the thorns
that started to pierce my skin.

Then in a dream I saw my cross--
rugged and old and plain--
The clumsy old cross I had looked upon
with dicontented disdain,
And at last I knew that God had made
this special cross for me,
For God in His great wisdom
knew what I before could not see--
That often the loveliest crosses
are the heaviest crosses to bear,
For only God is wise enough
to choose the cross each can wear.

So never complain about your cross,
for your cross has been blessed--
God made it just for you to wear
and remember, God knows best.

by Helen Steiner Rice
Book of Blessings

A New Day!

This weekend proved to be an unexpected emotional overload. As I posted on friday, I needed a good cry which I got on the way to the basketball game that day, as well as on Saturday talking to my sister on the phone and on Sunday night as I prayed myself to sleep. After each cry there was a temporary relief of the emotional tension inside. I know that God is teaching me so many things, and changing my heart to be more like His!

When I was talking to my sister, I did not think I was going to cry, but the next thing I knew I was sniffling and tearing. The tears came down hard, and it was not because I was upset or mad. I am just overwhelmed. My sister and I are struggling with the same thing, just manifested in two different ways. We are both afraid of getting excited about what appears to be coming in our lives. We are afraid of the disappointed that may come if we let our emotions get excited. The disappointment of having our hopes dashed, and our desires put on hold for even longer. Even now as I think about it, I feel the emotional tension.

I know that God has a perfect plan no matter how long He puts my desires on hold. It is hard for my finite mind and emotions to understand that God works with a lifetime, not just with one situation and desire. One of my teachers in college stated that sometimes God's greatest mercies are His refusals. Although I may feel overwhelmed with life, today is a new day that God can use despite my insufficiencies. It is a daily battle to bear the cross God has given me to bear. The cross God gave me to bear is the one that will draw me closest to Him!

about to break. . .

monkey face
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

Friday, today is friday. I am seriously about to break down. It seems that every friday for the past few weeks I have felt this way. I need a good cry, to let the tension out that I feel inside. I can not pin point one reason why I feel this way, but I think it is just the building up of a number of things over a week.

It is not feeling like playing this dating game. I do not like the ups and downs of the emotional rollar coaster that it takes you on. I am tired of playing the game. The game of trying not to read into thing said or done. The game of "limbo-land" where you do not know where you stand.

I am tired of never being home and extending myself in so many directions. I want to be able to put more into my teaching. I want to be able to have a social life without feeling guilty for it taking time away from what I should be doing.

I am tired of being picked on endlessly by the boys. I do not like the way I act when I am around so much sarcasm. It makes me feel defensive and unwanted. I truly do not know if they really feel annoyed by my presence or not.

I am tired of being on edge. I know that my emotions are blown out of proportion when I am not getting enough sleep. I make a big deal out of things that are not really that big as I feel they are.

I am tired of often pretending to be excited for my friends as they plan their weddings, when really I desire is to plan my own. I know God has someone out there for me, but it is so hard to wait.

I know that this post is rather negative in nature. I wish I could always be that "happy-go-lucky" person people perceive me to be. I know that even when I do not "feel" God's presence He is there. I know that God holds every tear I cry in His hand. I know that no matter how pathetic or stupid my seeming problems are, God helps me through them. I just needed to let it all out and return to a focus on God. I do not know what I would do without my relationship with the Lord. Even if all these things that I am tired of are placed in my life to draw me closer to Him, that is all that I need. I do not need to know the reason why God places things in my life; I just need to trust.

life and teaching. . .

Sierra and Sarah
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

The picture is of a couple of my 5th grade students at recess. I can not express how much I love teaching. Yes, there are days that I just don't think I can make it (like today), but God always blesses no matter how insufficient I am! The students in my class are awesome, and I am so thankful for the teachable spirits.

Last night, I was out with my girlfriends at Kambi's birthday party. I was a little tentative about going, because I usually hang out with the boys and thought I would feel out of the loop. So as much as I have fun hanging out with the boys, I love my girlfriends! I don't know what I would do without them. I thank God for all of them, and I pray that God blesses them and their future. I was out til 1 am talking and sharing what we have been learning in our relationship with the Lord. It was so encouraging and rebuking. Those times of talking and sharing are the best times to learn!

I am at a point right now, where I am unsure if I should even keep putting effort into friendships with the boys. Don't get me wrong, because I do love them in Christ and often enjoy the goofing off and carefree fun I have with them. The only thing is that it is often not an uplifting experience. It's complete sarcasm, most times. I am at the point where I do not desire to be in a friendship based on sarcasm. Part of that is my fault, because I know that I just feed off of them. I don't like how I act around them, and I realized that I don't act that way around anyone else. Yes, I love sarcasm, but I know that my other friends and my family love me no matter what. They don't think less of me or use me just as a source of sarcasm. There is a basis to our relationships far deeper than a sarcastic humor. I am just not sure it is that way with some of these guys. Yes, there are a couple that I know I have a good friendship with, but the greater majority, I am not sure that there is anything past the sarcasm. So should I give up on putting effort into the relationship when I feel like some of these guys don't put that much effort into it? Is it wrong to give up a friendship? That is the hardest thing for me to do. I am an extremely loyal person by nature, so when I have invested a lot of time with people I grow attached.

Luke's Birthday

typical Luke
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

Yesterday was my nephew Luke's Birthday. He turned four and decided to give up his bo-bo (his blanket that he sucks on when he goes to sleep). I went over to his house yesterday to download songs onto my iPod nano, and I delivered his birthday gift. He is one of the most excitable children ever! You could give him the most simple thing, and yet he would show you so much enthusiasm. I gave him a batman cape and batman figure. According to Luke, superman was last year. This year it is BATMAN!

On to another topic. . . I spent the weekend at our church camp counseling for Jr. High winter weekend. It was worth it in the end, but boy am I tired! I'm definitely not built for the voilent games that I once enjoyed just 5 short years ago. I have bruises and soreness to show for the weekend as well. The girls in my cabin were awesome. I got to share my heart with them, and share what God has changed me with recently. For some of them it was like preaching to the choir. For others I pray God used my feeble words to penetrate their hearts and attitudes. It's hard to watch some of the girls struggle with the same issues I struggled with. I wish that I could remove the pain and the struggle, but without it they wouldn't grow closer in their relationship with the Lord.

II Corinthians 9:15

antler buddies
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

"Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." I can not say how thankful I am to God for all that He has given me. There is so much to be thankful for, and yet I find myself on a daily basis becoming discontent with my life circumstances. I have been reminded repeatedly this past month or so of God's grace to me. His grace does not make my life easy, but it gives me an eternal hope.

Last night at Bible study, Tim Willard came and we discussed his article "Mimicking the Mainstream". I can say that it was one of the best, if not the best Bible study I have been to. It was real, down to earth. No hypothetical and lofty questions, but questions that cut right to the core of life. We compared the mega-churches with the high churches and observed how each church movement reacts off of the last. It's not a matter of what church you go to, necessarily, but a question of the reality of your relationship with Christ. Yes, you should try and find a good Bible-believing church, but the church is not your relationship. It's hard not to be reactionary to the super strictness of a high church's legalism or the mega church's faux-finished faith. Our faith is simple, but not easy. We are called to worship God even in His death. Is death an easy thing? No, our relationship with the Lord is a hard and often painful experience. In order to die to self, there is pain involved. The flesh does not die easily. It all comes down to dying to self, not a reaction to a church movement.

As I finish this blog, I wanted to leave a few quotes from the article.

"Making a disciple of Christ takes time. It is hard. It is not something that takes place at a huge conference or outreach event. It is life on life."

"The fruit of discipleship surfaces a few years down the line when those young people in the youth group have graduated and come back to the church not to be entertained but to plug into someone."

"I work witha group of young adults who are thirsty for an authentic Christian experience. They want to grow in their spiritual lives. They desire what Paul desired more than anything: to know God."

"The Christian landscape heaves with shallow people, content to live out their faith in the plush sanctuaries of the American church."

prayer

IMG_0124
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

So the picture has nothing to do with what this post is about. I just couldn't post something without a picture. . . it would just feel so empty.

Lately I have been burdened to pray more for my friends. Whether they be across the country or around the area, going through a hard time or a time of blessing, they all need prayer. Not that I didn't pray for them before, but I know I should pray for them more.

A lot of things have been heavy on my heart with the internal struggles and pressures that they feel. It hit me right between the eyes yesterday. I had the head knowledge of past mistakes that my friend could have potentially made, but for him to say it straight out it made it more real. We were talking about relationships and what the typical thing guys are after in a relationship, whether they're unsaved or not. He just said that I would probably look down on him and other guys if I knew what they did. I don't know specifics, but yet it was still discouraging to think that even my good Christian guy friends would fall in such an area. I don't think less of them, I just pray that they are past their mistakes in life and are maturing in the Lord.

It's not like I am perfect in that area either, and my friend who said this all to me knows that. That is what makes me scared and heavy-hearted about what he has done in his past. I know it is in his past, and I pray it stays that way. It's just becoming more and more real to me how perverse our flesh is, and how hard it is to stay pure. The funny thing is that little teenage girls think that they way they dress and the way the act around boys is fine. When in all actuality it hightens the temptation for the boys.

There is much more to say on that topic, but as this is going to be posted on the web, I decided to keep it general without any specific names listed.

Raspy Laughs. . .

Raspy Laughs. . .
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

Khehehehehe. . . many raspy laughs. . . yes only a select few actually know what I am talking about. Rebeast and I love our raspy laughs, and well are deemed appropriate on certain conversations and occasions. It's almost an evil laugh coming from the back of one's throat, sounding almost like a smoker's laugh. It often occurs when one is recalling humurous events that have taken place or observing someone else's reaction to a prank or event. Rebeast is the founder of the laugh and I now have acquired my own raspiness. Once one has acquired the laugh, it is hard to predict when it will appear. . . and therefore provides a little variety to one's laughing ensemble.

So I have also figured out that I am completely random. My thoughts are random and therefore my talk is random. One may never know what may come out of my mouth as a result of a random thought. . . I like to call it creativity, but others say otherwise.

Last week I spent the week in Chi-Town with my bud, Melissa Thacker. We had a grand old time ice skating, staying up to the wee hours of the morning talking and of course sleeping in to the late hours of the morning. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and relaxation. For one, to be away from Calvary is a rarity in my life. To be someplace where you are no longer a teacher, or the pastor's daughter or the cheerleading coach was definitely a well needed change of pace.

Speaking of randomness, another random thought by yours truly. . . and on the more serious side. . . I truly appreciate the friends God has given me. It's amazing how I look back since I have graduated from NBBC and see who God has brought across my path when I needed it most. First there was Rebeka (aka Rebeast), who I am have known since Kindergarten, but since graduation we have become closer. We appreciate each other's randomness and I know she prays for me as much as I pray for her. . . and that is so important to me. Then there is Melissa, who I met this summer. She has been a blessing because of our common struggles in life, and the encouraging talks we have. God brought her along right in the middle of a monstrousity of a trial this summer. I thank the Lord for all of my friends and the encouragement they are to me!