about to break. . .

monkey face
Originally uploaded by sharjoy18.

Friday, today is friday. I am seriously about to break down. It seems that every friday for the past few weeks I have felt this way. I need a good cry, to let the tension out that I feel inside. I can not pin point one reason why I feel this way, but I think it is just the building up of a number of things over a week.

It is not feeling like playing this dating game. I do not like the ups and downs of the emotional rollar coaster that it takes you on. I am tired of playing the game. The game of trying not to read into thing said or done. The game of "limbo-land" where you do not know where you stand.

I am tired of never being home and extending myself in so many directions. I want to be able to put more into my teaching. I want to be able to have a social life without feeling guilty for it taking time away from what I should be doing.

I am tired of being picked on endlessly by the boys. I do not like the way I act when I am around so much sarcasm. It makes me feel defensive and unwanted. I truly do not know if they really feel annoyed by my presence or not.

I am tired of being on edge. I know that my emotions are blown out of proportion when I am not getting enough sleep. I make a big deal out of things that are not really that big as I feel they are.

I am tired of often pretending to be excited for my friends as they plan their weddings, when really I desire is to plan my own. I know God has someone out there for me, but it is so hard to wait.

I know that this post is rather negative in nature. I wish I could always be that "happy-go-lucky" person people perceive me to be. I know that even when I do not "feel" God's presence He is there. I know that God holds every tear I cry in His hand. I know that no matter how pathetic or stupid my seeming problems are, God helps me through them. I just needed to let it all out and return to a focus on God. I do not know what I would do without my relationship with the Lord. Even if all these things that I am tired of are placed in my life to draw me closer to Him, that is all that I need. I do not need to know the reason why God places things in my life; I just need to trust.