This is a picture of the old parsonage. We sold it to RiteAid, and about a month ago they tore it down. I can not say that I am sad over this occasion, because the current parsonage is in better condition:o) I must admit that it is a little strange to see your house pulled apart by a crane. I stood outside thinking. . . there goes the fence. . . oh and there goes our counters. . . etc. . .
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Revelations of the Heart
This past week and weekend have been rough to say the least. God has truly been braking down walls in my heart that I have been holding onto for so long. I am so thankful that God never gives up, and He holds every tear I cry in His hand. My heart is still heavy as stated in the last post, but as I move on from the point of brokenness I see God's hand at work in my life.
I think for the first time in a long time I have been truly honest about the way I feel. I do not have it all together and God has to remove the hatred that is in my heart. It is going to be a long process to actually feel like I can pray for my ex again out of sincerity. As I cried and prayed to the Lord on Friday night, it brought me to a place where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. As painful as it was and remains to be, I can already see my Savior in a more real way than ever before.
I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that for this moment I am trusting God fully. Now, of course that is a hour-by-hour struggle to fully give over my feelings of hatred that I want to hold onto. I want to hold onto them because I do not see that he (my ex) is genuinely remorseful for his actions. It is not my job to change his life, only God can do that. As I struggle with that among other things, sometimes I feel a disconnect between what my head says to do and what my heart feels. I know that in those "disconnected" times I must do what my head says, not live by my emotions. My emotions will catch up. Holding on to any of those bitter and hate feelings destroys me more than it destroys him.
There is so much more to say, but I will save that for a later time. Please continue to pray!
I think for the first time in a long time I have been truly honest about the way I feel. I do not have it all together and God has to remove the hatred that is in my heart. It is going to be a long process to actually feel like I can pray for my ex again out of sincerity. As I cried and prayed to the Lord on Friday night, it brought me to a place where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. As painful as it was and remains to be, I can already see my Savior in a more real way than ever before.
I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that for this moment I am trusting God fully. Now, of course that is a hour-by-hour struggle to fully give over my feelings of hatred that I want to hold onto. I want to hold onto them because I do not see that he (my ex) is genuinely remorseful for his actions. It is not my job to change his life, only God can do that. As I struggle with that among other things, sometimes I feel a disconnect between what my head says to do and what my heart feels. I know that in those "disconnected" times I must do what my head says, not live by my emotions. My emotions will catch up. Holding on to any of those bitter and hate feelings destroys me more than it destroys him.
There is so much more to say, but I will save that for a later time. Please continue to pray!
Friday, February 24, 2006
Heavy Heart
My heart is heavy with so many things. I want to be able to be genuinely happy and be able to let things role off my back. I wish I could push these things away, but I can not. My heart is overloaded and struggling with figuring right from wrong in certain gray areas in life.
My ex from the summer was back for the week. I have no desire to be in his presence or develop any kind of friendship with him even on the most casual level. I did not want to talk to him at all, but I forced myself to last night. Now, I am back where I was this summer before he left to go back to school. I know God does not command me to be friends with everyone, I do not even have to like everyone. But God does command me to love in Christ's love.
As a result of this relationship I have no trust for him and extremely tentative about any future relationships. I went to a workshop this week on forgiveness. I know that my heart has been hurt by him. Even though I broke it off between the two of us, the events that occurred during our relationship (short though it may have been) have injured my heart to where it can not function how it should.
I know it takes two to tango, but I know that I was the one who had to stop it. He was supposed to be the leader. I know I have responsibility in this situation as well. The hard part is the fact that even if I get through this struggle right now in my life, I know that when I enter another dating relationship I am going to have more issues to work through, hard issues that do not go away over night. So since I know that it has effected me this much, do I talk to him about it? It makes me sick to even think of talking to him. All I want to say is, how can you go from never kissing anyone at all to where it was that night? (no we did not have sex, but it was farther than I was comfortable with). He showed no respect of me, and he had to have thought about it a lot in order to get to where he was. And furthermore, it freaks me out to think that he is a youth pastor in Florida now. He wants to go into ministry and is moving up here to PA to go to our seminary next year!
I know that God is doing some serious work in my life, but all I want to do is break down and not deal with it. The pain is so great, but I also know that God does not give me anything that He will not give me the strength to get through. I just want to go to heaven where I can finally worship the Lord without my flesh getting in the way. Where my Savior can wipe the tears from my eyes and be totally consumed with how Great my God is! I know that I'll never understand how God works, but in the midst of this I want to understand.
I know that this post jumps around, and is probably confusing to those who really do not know about this part of my life. So back to the forgiveness workshop. Answer these questions: Do you believe that God loves you? The obvious answer is yes. But do you feel that God likes you? That is the kicker. Finish this statement: "I know that God loves me, but. . ." That shows you that your heart has been hurt.
I've come to the conclusion that I will need to talk to my ex eventually and tell him how the events of the summer have affected me. I am just not ready yet. Keep praying.
My ex from the summer was back for the week. I have no desire to be in his presence or develop any kind of friendship with him even on the most casual level. I did not want to talk to him at all, but I forced myself to last night. Now, I am back where I was this summer before he left to go back to school. I know God does not command me to be friends with everyone, I do not even have to like everyone. But God does command me to love in Christ's love.
As a result of this relationship I have no trust for him and extremely tentative about any future relationships. I went to a workshop this week on forgiveness. I know that my heart has been hurt by him. Even though I broke it off between the two of us, the events that occurred during our relationship (short though it may have been) have injured my heart to where it can not function how it should.
I know it takes two to tango, but I know that I was the one who had to stop it. He was supposed to be the leader. I know I have responsibility in this situation as well. The hard part is the fact that even if I get through this struggle right now in my life, I know that when I enter another dating relationship I am going to have more issues to work through, hard issues that do not go away over night. So since I know that it has effected me this much, do I talk to him about it? It makes me sick to even think of talking to him. All I want to say is, how can you go from never kissing anyone at all to where it was that night? (no we did not have sex, but it was farther than I was comfortable with). He showed no respect of me, and he had to have thought about it a lot in order to get to where he was. And furthermore, it freaks me out to think that he is a youth pastor in Florida now. He wants to go into ministry and is moving up here to PA to go to our seminary next year!
I know that God is doing some serious work in my life, but all I want to do is break down and not deal with it. The pain is so great, but I also know that God does not give me anything that He will not give me the strength to get through. I just want to go to heaven where I can finally worship the Lord without my flesh getting in the way. Where my Savior can wipe the tears from my eyes and be totally consumed with how Great my God is! I know that I'll never understand how God works, but in the midst of this I want to understand.
I know that this post jumps around, and is probably confusing to those who really do not know about this part of my life. So back to the forgiveness workshop. Answer these questions: Do you believe that God loves you? The obvious answer is yes. But do you feel that God likes you? That is the kicker. Finish this statement: "I know that God loves me, but. . ." That shows you that your heart has been hurt.
I've come to the conclusion that I will need to talk to my ex eventually and tell him how the events of the summer have affected me. I am just not ready yet. Keep praying.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Snow Day!
The Lord knows what I need even when I do not ask for it. He provided me with an extra long weekend due to the blessings of a snow day today:o) It was such a blessing to wake up without an alarm clock and to wake up to daylight! Yes, tomorrow I must go back to the usual routine, but for today I will forget about the usual things I worry about.
Another blessing is the fact that Basketball season is done and I no longer will have to stay after school for practices and games. I can have a somewhat normal schedule and hopefully no longer feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the girls and I are having a dinner at my house! I refuse to wallow in the fact that I do not have that special someone to share this holiday with. God gave me fabulous friends, so why not celebrate with them?!
Another blessing is the fact that Basketball season is done and I no longer will have to stay after school for practices and games. I can have a somewhat normal schedule and hopefully no longer feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and the girls and I are having a dinner at my house! I refuse to wallow in the fact that I do not have that special someone to share this holiday with. God gave me fabulous friends, so why not celebrate with them?!
Friday, February 10, 2006
AAAHH!
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!! Today is the first day I felt like throwing one particular student up against the wall. The Lord had to give me the patience! She has failed 5 out of the 6 past spelling tests. As a result, she has had to do extra work. Now she does not get her extra work in, and makes up manipulative excuses and cries crocodile tears to get out of the trouble she is in. I have talked to her mom 3 times about it, and nothing changes. I have talked to the girl about it on numerous occasions, once again to no avail. She rarely studies and acts rejected when she fails. On top of the pure laziness, she has the nerve to cock an attitude and role her eyes, which she gets in trouble for as well. Needless to say if her work is not done on Monday morning by 8:15 am she will be marched right into the Principal's office!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
the same old
Nothing exciting to report on, nor is their anything deep on my mind. It is just a typical day full of typical events with my typical students and my typical friends. Typical, typical, typical. . . routine, routine, routine. . . but in two days that will change. Basketball season will be done and I will have a little bit more freedom.
I will not have to truck myself to and from practices and games and spend 16 hour days doing "calvary things". I love the opportunity God has given me with the cheerleaders, but I feel Calvary overload and a bit burnt out. It is time to be replenished and refilled so that I can give out what God wants me to give.
I will not have to truck myself to and from practices and games and spend 16 hour days doing "calvary things". I love the opportunity God has given me with the cheerleaders, but I feel Calvary overload and a bit burnt out. It is time to be replenished and refilled so that I can give out what God wants me to give.
Monday, February 06, 2006
I Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it" (ESV). This is the verse for the week for my 5th graders to memorize. It is amazing to me how hypocritical I feel when I am teaching them this verse and yet struggle with what it says.
It is not that I do not believe that God can provide a way to escape temptation. It is the fact that I do not think that I can endure it. I personally do not want to endure anything, but I know that if I did not I would not grow closer to my Savior. It is a bitter-sweet thing. In James it says to count it a joy when trials and temptations come our way. The longer I live the more I realize that it is true. Now, I am not old and wise, but I do know how strong my relationship with the Lord is when I am in temptation and trials. It is definitely a daily struggle, if not an hourly struggle. I am always thankful after the struggle of going through the temptation that I went through it. It brings me to a point where I can only endure it because of the strength God gives me.
It is not that I do not believe that God can provide a way to escape temptation. It is the fact that I do not think that I can endure it. I personally do not want to endure anything, but I know that if I did not I would not grow closer to my Savior. It is a bitter-sweet thing. In James it says to count it a joy when trials and temptations come our way. The longer I live the more I realize that it is true. Now, I am not old and wise, but I do know how strong my relationship with the Lord is when I am in temptation and trials. It is definitely a daily struggle, if not an hourly struggle. I am always thankful after the struggle of going through the temptation that I went through it. It brings me to a point where I can only endure it because of the strength God gives me.
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