Revelations of the Heart

This past week and weekend have been rough to say the least. God has truly been braking down walls in my heart that I have been holding onto for so long. I am so thankful that God never gives up, and He holds every tear I cry in His hand. My heart is still heavy as stated in the last post, but as I move on from the point of brokenness I see God's hand at work in my life.

I think for the first time in a long time I have been truly honest about the way I feel. I do not have it all together and God has to remove the hatred that is in my heart. It is going to be a long process to actually feel like I can pray for my ex again out of sincerity. As I cried and prayed to the Lord on Friday night, it brought me to a place where I needed to be in my relationship with the Lord. As painful as it was and remains to be, I can already see my Savior in a more real way than ever before.

I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I know that for this moment I am trusting God fully. Now, of course that is a hour-by-hour struggle to fully give over my feelings of hatred that I want to hold onto. I want to hold onto them because I do not see that he (my ex) is genuinely remorseful for his actions. It is not my job to change his life, only God can do that. As I struggle with that among other things, sometimes I feel a disconnect between what my head says to do and what my heart feels. I know that in those "disconnected" times I must do what my head says, not live by my emotions. My emotions will catch up. Holding on to any of those bitter and hate feelings destroys me more than it destroys him.

There is so much more to say, but I will save that for a later time. Please continue to pray!