Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy with so many things. I want to be able to be genuinely happy and be able to let things role off my back. I wish I could push these things away, but I can not. My heart is overloaded and struggling with figuring right from wrong in certain gray areas in life.

My ex from the summer was back for the week. I have no desire to be in his presence or develop any kind of friendship with him even on the most casual level. I did not want to talk to him at all, but I forced myself to last night. Now, I am back where I was this summer before he left to go back to school. I know God does not command me to be friends with everyone, I do not even have to like everyone. But God does command me to love in Christ's love.

As a result of this relationship I have no trust for him and extremely tentative about any future relationships. I went to a workshop this week on forgiveness. I know that my heart has been hurt by him. Even though I broke it off between the two of us, the events that occurred during our relationship (short though it may have been) have injured my heart to where it can not function how it should.

I know it takes two to tango, but I know that I was the one who had to stop it. He was supposed to be the leader. I know I have responsibility in this situation as well. The hard part is the fact that even if I get through this struggle right now in my life, I know that when I enter another dating relationship I am going to have more issues to work through, hard issues that do not go away over night. So since I know that it has effected me this much, do I talk to him about it? It makes me sick to even think of talking to him. All I want to say is, how can you go from never kissing anyone at all to where it was that night? (no we did not have sex, but it was farther than I was comfortable with). He showed no respect of me, and he had to have thought about it a lot in order to get to where he was. And furthermore, it freaks me out to think that he is a youth pastor in Florida now. He wants to go into ministry and is moving up here to PA to go to our seminary next year!

I know that God is doing some serious work in my life, but all I want to do is break down and not deal with it. The pain is so great, but I also know that God does not give me anything that He will not give me the strength to get through. I just want to go to heaven where I can finally worship the Lord without my flesh getting in the way. Where my Savior can wipe the tears from my eyes and be totally consumed with how Great my God is! I know that I'll never understand how God works, but in the midst of this I want to understand.

I know that this post jumps around, and is probably confusing to those who really do not know about this part of my life. So back to the forgiveness workshop. Answer these questions: Do you believe that God loves you? The obvious answer is yes. But do you feel that God likes you? That is the kicker. Finish this statement: "I know that God loves me, but. . ." That shows you that your heart has been hurt.

I've come to the conclusion that I will need to talk to my ex eventually and tell him how the events of the summer have affected me. I am just not ready yet. Keep praying.